Luke Williams: Oscar Grouch

After a week that saw Mother Nature decide to cram an entire winter into a few days, Mrs. Williams and I decided to relax and watch the Oscars this past Sunday night. And when I say “watched,” I mean we sat in the dining room and played cards while we listened to it on the living room TV. I can't sit through three and a half hours of rich celebrities slapping each other on the back for doing a really good job at playing pretend. The only thing worse would be if Congress had an award show where they handed out trophies to the best liars. The one part of the show that I enjoyed, believe it or not, was Lady Gaga's tribute to “The Sound of Music.” Turns out that she's got a really good voice when you're not distracted by her wearing a rack of lamb for a skirt and pork chops for a bra.



Some people take award shows way too personally. They watch them like it was a sporting event. I guess it is similar to rooting for your favorite team...if your favorite team was an actor who wouldn't give you the time of day if you saw him in an airport and probably has more servants than the Duggar's have kids. A lot of people were upset that Clint Eastwood didn't win anything for “American Sniper.” I'm still upset he didn't win for ANY of the “Dirty Harry” movies or “Every Which Way But Loose.” You know what Chuck Norris and the movie “Roadhouse” have in common? They're both known for brutal roundhouse kicks and neither won an Oscar. Heck, my favorite movie from last year was one that hardly anybody saw. It's a modern day western called “Cold in July.” It stars Sam Shepherd, Don Johnson, and that fella who plays “Dexter.” It goes without saying that it didn't get nominated for any gold, bald statues.

 

I just think the whole thing needs an overhaul. Make the categories more entertaining and nominate movies that you can enjoy without having a stick up your...well, you know what I mean. If they put me in charge, I'd shorten the show to a couple of hours and make all new categories. I would also change the name of the award itself. Say goodbye to the Oscar. And say hello to the Luke:



BEST PERFORMANCE BY SOMEONE WHO THINKS SPEAKING IN A BRITISH ACCENT MAKES THEM A GOOD ACTOR



BEST PICTURE TO WATCH WHILE EATING PIZZA AND WINGS



BEST PICTURE FOR A MAN TO GO SEE WHILE HIS WIFE GOES TO SEE A CHICK FLICK



BEST FIGHT SCENE FEATURING EITHER A BASEBALL BAT OR SHOVEL



THE SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT AWARD FOR LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT IN CAR CHASES



BEST ACTRESS FROM KENTUCKY NAMED JENNIFER LAWRENCE



BEST SUPPORTING ANIMAL IN A MOTION PICTURE



BEST PICTURE THAT WILL EVENTUALLY END UP IN THE $5.00 DVD BIN AT WALMART



BEST ACTOR OR ACTRESS WHO IS MOST LIKELY GOING TO BE DOING CAR INSURANCE COMMERCIALS NEXT YEAR



and...



BEST BUTTERED POPCORN OF THE YEAR (which will always be won by the kid at the concession stand who layers the butter in from the bottom so that the entire bucket of popcorn is covered in warm, buttery goodness...man, I love that kid)



Luke Williams was born and raised in western Kentucky. He decided to pursue a career in radio after his mamma told him that out of all her kids, he was the one that could "talk real good." In addition to radio, Luke has also worked in a boot store and a hardware store, so he can offer knowledgeable advice on insoles and hammers. You can hear Luke every afternoon on 93.3FM, WKYQ.